miscarriage

Musings of a Mother | To My First Loss

~ modernmuslimahmusings ~ Leave a comment

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيم

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful

I pray that this letter reaches the hearts of all those mothers (and fathers) who have hoped, loved and lost. InshaAllah I pray that in some small way it somehow comforts you and that it helps to start much needed conversations.

Please take a moment to read, reflect and remind ourselves that where there is Allah swt there is always hope.

To my first loss… my beloved baby

I am writing you an apology because that’s what us mothers do, we feel responsible, we feel guilty and we apologise especially when it comes to our children. Even when we know it was not our fault, we feel like our body let us down and now here I am years later still apologising.

I know its normal because that’s what grief is… it fades away and suddenly appears when you least expect it.

I am so sorry that I did not understand what was happening and that I was confused and angry. I know that you were not meant to be with us in this temporary life and that your stay was brief but so very sweet.

In the short time you were with me, I had already dreamt up a whole life and envisioned how things would be. I had imagined how you would play with your big sister and how you would grow up together so close in age.

But that was not meant to be. You returned to Allah swt and I was left with an empty void.

I was so confused and angry. I am so sorry that no reason was given for losing you. I know it was Allah swt’s will but anything would have been better than being told “its just one of those things”.

You were not just one of those things…not to me and not to your abbu. You were our baby.

Your father, your abbu. MashaAllah he was so strong when we lost you… well he seemed strong. All throughout he was so patient and calm. I was too numb to really see what he was going through. I am so sorry I didn’t see his pain.

It started with a slight backache, slowly creeping and developing into a messy devastation too raw to write in to words. I was shocked.

Your abbu was so patient, so caring. He took care of me and your sister for the days that followed. So many days I don’t even know how many. Days that just blurred into each other one after another…I lost count.

I am so sorry that I was in shock because I really do not remember much except that somehow I managed to get through it all…now I realise it was only because of the strength that Allah swt gave otherwise how can any human being survive a loss like that.

I am so sorry that I was so exhausted and overwhelmed with pain that I never really thought about how your abbu was feeling or what he must have been going through.

The few people who knew about you said things like “at least you have your daughter” and “it was Allah’s will, don’t cry”.

How could they say that? Of course I had your big sister and I was so so grateful for that but your sister wasn’t you…I knew it was Allah swt’s will but that did not mean I couldn’t cry or mourn your loss or grieve the life I had imagined for you.

Do not worry dear baby, I understand they were only trying to be helpful and deep down they didn’t really know what else to say. I just wish that someone had told me it was okay to cry and let my heart grieve freely for you. I needed to know that I was still a good Muslim even though I wanted to grieve the loss of my baby. I needed to know that Allah swt wouldn’t be angry with me for weeping and longing for you so much. But no one told me and I struggled.

The void you left in me was so deep that all I could feel was empty. I don’t think I ever stopped feeling that way…even now though it has been so many years I still feel it there. That void belongs to you, it is your haq, your right my sweet baby. Now that time has passed it is unnoticeable but some days when I least expect it…it opens up gaping at me – perhaps to serve as a reminder of your brief existence in this world. Perhaps to remind me of Allah swts power and His swt plan for me.

Do not worry beloved baby, I fully accept Allah swt’s will and decree without question, I am not complaining.

I am just relieved to know now that it is okay to miss you and that grief is normal. It is a part of who we are as human beings and how we are created. We were designed by Allah swt to feel loss and emotion and grieve. Maybe that’s why even after so many years I am writing this.

I find peace in knowing that we will meet again one day inshaAllah and that day will be forever. You will be in our arms and we will never ever have to let you go.

Love you always, Mummy x

For information please visit the Muslim Bereavement Support Service: http://www.mbss.org.uk

For support for bereaved women please contact: info@mbss.org.uk

Our keys to Jannah…inshaAllah

~ modernmuslimahmusings ~ 2 Comments

‎بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيم

Yet again another anniversary. An anniversary that no one will celebrate, perhaps not even remember, not even know of. 

There are three every year.

Three days of the year when I would quietly mourn just for while.

In the past I have shared ahadith, quotes and poetry written by others to express these feelings but today I write my own. 


Our Three Keys.

As the days of the times each of you left would draw near, I used to feel dread and shed many many heartbroken tears.

At times I hadnt even realised that its THAT day. Until I realised.

Memories emerging always seemed to creep in fast. Blurring my mind and heart with visions of that painful past. 

As that day would draw near, every blur in my mind and smear in my heart would become crystal clear.

Always affecting me with pains deep into the pit of my stomach and cramps crawling down into my back. Empty mind and hollow heart.

Every time. One. Two. Three. 

Three times. Every year. 

But I learnt. 

I learnt about the beauty of our faith. 

Where a painful loss is a beautiful gain. 

Where for even a prick of a thorn sins are forgiven. Losing each of you was so much more than that, and for that I know so much more we will be given.

The deeper the loss the more worthy the gain. The prize much more vast than this worthless worlds pain.

A reward our eyes cannot see, a reward indescribable by our limited speech. 

A bounty too big for our small minds, a honour too great for our sin filled hearts. And yet it is there. 
Awaiting us.

Three promises from the One who created everything. 

Even though we are His disobedient slaves so sinful, He is the Knower of All, He is the All Merciful.

Even though you all left us each time without a single cry,  a single smile or word. 

On that Day your very first words will be for us! And the First to hear you will be the One who hears everything!

Your very first actions will be screening us against the Fire. Our three delicate shields strong against the raging flames. Our protection will be your only desire!
Your very first steps you will take when you are told, “Enter your parents into Paradise” and it will be the best you all will ever do for us. Not a single thing in this world equates to this and not the world and everything it contains. Nothing. 

And now when those days descend upon me, I silently shed a tear or three. 

These tears are a reminder of the rewards that await us like the rainbow after a storm, and now instead of emptiness my heart is filled with joy.

No more blurred mind. No more smeared heart. One day, a new life, our forever fresh start. 

Just waiting to be with you three. Him and they and us is all that matters to me. InshaAllah.

Author: http://www.modernmuslimahmusings.com

References:

The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah upon him, said, “Indeed the miscarried fetus will confront his Lord if He enters his parents into the Fire. So it will be said to him, “O fetus which confronts his Lord! Enter your parents into Paradise.” So he will drag them by his [umbilical] cord until he enters them into Paradise.” [Ibn Majah]

The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah upon him, said, “By the One in Whose hands is my soul, the miscarried fetus will drag his mother to paradise by his [umbilical] cord if she was patient [with the miscarriage], hoping to be rewarded.” [Ahmad]
Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: The death of one of one’s children is a screen against the Fire, and the same applies to miscarriage, and Allaah knows best. Al-Majmoo’, 5/287; see also Haashiyat Ibn ‘Aabideen, 2/228 

It is narrated on the authority of ‘Aa’ishah, the Mother of Believers may Allaah be pleased with her that she said: The Messenger of Allaah , said: “No calamity befalls a Muslim but that Allaah Expiates some of his sins because of it, even if it is a prick he receives from a thorn.” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

It is further narrated on the authority of Abu Sa‘eed Al-Khudri and Abu Hurayrah may Allaah be pleased with them that the Prophet , said: “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah Expiates some of his sins because of that.” [Al-Bukhari]

Miscarriage | Musings of a Mother

~ modernmuslimahmusings ~ 17 Comments

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

My intention for sharing this personal experience with you is to raise awareness of the difficulties of such a heart-breaking experience. Miscarriage is taboo in many cultures, often hidden away, even a thing to be ashamed of. In fact, it is actually something that Islam teaches us very openly and beautifully about. I hope that by reading this post, it reminds someone never to give up and to remember Allah swt’s promises. It might even give someone the “tools”to support a loved one in their time of need. Sometimes not knowing how to respond makes us look as if we don’t want to, even though it’s all we want.

Recently, I met an old acquaintance and as we were talking about what we had been up to for the last ten years or so, we spoke about many things including work, family and children. She commented on the age gap between my three children.

My children. Mashallah laquwata illa billah.

I didn’t think anything of the conversation. But a few days later it came up. From nowhere. Playing on my mind… and slowly began pulling at my heartstrings.

Again.

My first pregnancy had been pure bliss, well…apart from the standard sickness, usual aches, pains and tiredness. My husband and I were over the moon when our daughter was born.  Alhamdulillah!

We had read somewhere that, “when a muslim girl is born, she becomes a reason for her father to enter Paradise, when she grows up and marries a man, she completes half of his religion and when she becomes a mother, Paradise lies at her feet.” 

We felt blessed, a straightforward pregnancy, a not too complicated birth and we had her in our arms. Alhamdulillah. We decided we wanted our children to be close in age and nine months later we were expecting our second child. It was great! Our daughter would have a sibling to grow up with.

However, Allah swt had other plans for us and at seven weeks we suffered our first miscarriage.

“Inna Lillahi wa inna ilayhi Raji’un”, truly, to Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return. The Holy Quran 2:156

How easily we say this to others, but we only understand the true meaning when we are the ones returning His swt gifts back to Him.We hadn’t even been to see the GP nor had our first appointment. But we had known. From four weeks and two days we had known and for the last three weeks we had dreamed up an entire new life.

Every second of knowing I was pregnant equated to seconds of thinking about our baby. Would it be a boy or girl? What would they look like? Would they be like me or their abbu?How would our daughter respond to them?

We were shocked. I was confused. Was it my fault? Was there something wrong with me?Had I done something wrong?… So many questions.

But no answers. No one I spoke to could tell me anything to clear my confusion. The only response was “it’s very common; every one in four pregnancy’s end in miscarriage, there’s no real reason…”

Close family and the few friends who knew didn’t know how to respond, they were sympathetic at first but then it was never really mentioned or spoken about. As if it had never happened…no acknowledgement of the loss of our baby. I knew they cared but I felt as if perhaps it wasn’t important enough for them, even though I knew that wasn’t the case. The days of confusion slowly blurred into weeks of feeling “empty”. I just couldn’t shake off this feeling of emptiness and the need to replace this loss that had left us before we had had a chance to live it. To love it.

Three months later we were expecting our third child. However, this time no excitement just anxiety. And prayers. Lots of praying for protection of our baby. As the days passed, hope inched its way up. Alhamdulillah we had passed seven weeks, it felt like a major milestone. More and more I started thinking “this is it”. Finally I was in my twelfth week and our first scan was due just four days away.

It began with the same symptoms as last time and I.JUST.KNEW. This time the physical effects were so much worse. But the emotional pain…even more unbearable. I felt broken. I don’t even know how my husband felt. He never showed his emotions- perhaps he was too busy looking after me and trying to stand strong for us. But he was affected.

This time I was numb. I remember returning from our emergency scan and just lying on the sofa where the words of the consultant confirming the worst alongside the same rubbish excuse of “one of those things…” going through my mind. I had been pregnant three times in seventeen months. I was drained. I was exhausted. I didn’t blame anyone. As a muslimah I understood and accepted that this was Allah swt’s plan for me and that insha’Allah something better would be given in return. BUT I still wish I had had someone to speak to, someone who would listen, someone who would acknowledge my loss and affirm what I felt. Someone who would tell me the many comforting ayahs from the Quran and many consoling hadiths that I would learn about in years to come.

After our second miscarriage I threw myself into my work. It was easy; I was a teacher and decided I could not even think about having any more children. And so I worked. I worked really hard with all my heart. It was tough, I became Deputy Head teacher and within a short while I had to take over as Head teacher. We had the dreaded Ofsted inspection and I had been stressed in a way that I didn’t even think was actually possible. The day the inspection ended was the day I found out I was pregnant with our fourth baby.

SubhanAllah, as grateful as I was, the fear of losing this baby too was even greater. Although this pregnancy was physically fine, the emotional anxiety that it carried made it incredibly difficult. As great as the NHS are, I referred myself to a herbal specialist and followed the course of medication given.

Alhamdulillah after what seemed like an eternity, my eldest son was born kicking and screaming. And as they placed him in my arms I made a dua which I still make and always will, “ya Allah, make his worth that of three, make him as strong as three, as intelligent as three and as pious as three”. Aameen.

Finally I felt like I had woken from a bad dream. We concentrated on our little family, trying our best as every parent does. When my son was about a year and a half I attended a Janazah course, a day you learn how to perform the rites of the deceased and it was there where they told us of a need for a muslim bereavement service especially supporting mothers who had lost their children including prenatal loss. I felt as if they were talking directly to me- did they know about my experiences? Of course not but the fact was that there just wasn’t enough support available. I had experienced that first hand.

The chairman of the Gardens of Peace Cemetery wanted to start the free service as a registered charity and was looking for volunteers to be trained and support the cause. I felt my calling- the need for support at a time when you feel NO ONE understands what you are going through is one of the worst things ever, having no one to talk to could even lead to other mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. I didn’t want my sisters in Islam to feel the way I had. And here was an opportunity where I could actually do something to help. So I became one of the very first volunteers for the Muslim Bereavement Support Service.

“He (or she) who relieves the hardship of a believer in this world, Allah will relieve his (or her) hardship on the Day of Judgment. He (or she) who makes easy what is difficult, Allah will make it easy for him (or her) in the world and the Hereafter. He(or she) who conceals the faults of a Muslim, Allah will conceal his(or her) faults in the world and the Hereafter, for Allah helps the servant as long as he(or she) helps his(or her) brother(or sister).”                                                         Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2699

What began as a few people wanting to help and support others has now grown into a fantastic team of trained volunteers who support not only mothers but also any woman who has suffered bereavement. The training I received didn’t just equip me to support others but if I’m completely honest helped me deal with, understand and fully accept my own loss more.

The Islamic aspect of the training in particular helped me to understand the “whys?” and instilled in me a hope that enabled me to understand that my suffering was actually going to be worth something. That all the while when I had felt others hadn’t acknowledged our loss, Allah swt had and that He swt has in store for my husband and I delights of the heart that are unimaginable. InshaAllah.

Allah tells us in the Holy Quran:

“And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As- Saabiroon (the patient). Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: ‘Truly, to Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.’ They are those on whom are the Salawaat (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided ones”.                                                                                                                                                         The Holy Quran 2:155-157

So for the last few years, I have been helping sisters from all backgrounds, ages and circumstances, supporting them through their loss.

All was going well when alhamdulillah I found out I was expecting our fifth child. Our family would be complete, but subhanAllah at twelve weeks I suffered my third miscarriage.

It was happening all over again. But this time it was different.

I had all the ayahs and hadiths going through my mind, reminding myself that this is a test…Allah swt wants to bring you closer to Him…He wants to forgive your sins… He wants to raise your ranks in the Akhirah… He wants to take back what He has given you and reward you with that which is better.

“If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials”.                                                 Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 70, Number no, 548

I remember that night as I lay exhausted, weeping, begging my Creator.

“Ya Allah I am patient with your decision, and I put my trust in You and I expect my reward only from You”, and I kept repeating that in the days and weeks that followed, subhanAllah as broken as my heart was, this time I was aware that Allah swt was really listening. The thing is that He swt always had been, it was me that had taken so long to realise.

“And Allah loves As-Saabiroon (the patient)”.                                                                                   The Holy Quran 3:146 

I dealt with my third loss in a way that I am sure I wouldn’t have been able to if I had not been a part of the Muslim Bereavement Support Service.

BUT it didn’t mean I wasn’t heartbroken.

The soul accepts but the heart still weeps. And really it’s ok to weep. Its ok to weep if we feel sad, it’s ok to weep if someone beloved dies. It’s ok to weep if we miss that person and miss them like crazy. It’s ok. It is NOT A SIN, it is NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS and it is certainly NOT NON ACCEPTANCE OF ALLAH SWT’S WILL!

For even our beloved Prophet Muhammad S.A.W wept:

Anas bin Malik reported that: “The Messenger of Allah (S.A.W.) entered the room and we accompanied him… And Ibrahim (the Prophet S.A.Ws son) breathed his last. The eyes of Allah’s Messenger (S.A.W.) were filled with tears. Abdur Rehman Ibne Auf said: ‘you are weeping, O Messenger of Allah (S.A.W.)’. He (S.A.W.) replied: “Ibne Auf, This is mercy”. Then he (S.A.W.) said: “Our eyes shed tears and our hearts are filled with grief, but we do not say anything except that by which Allah is pleased. O, Ibrahim we are sorrowful due to your separation.”                                      Sahih Bukhari, Sahih Muslim, Sunan Abi Dawood and Sunan Ibne Majah

And though I wept for days on after, and still do every now and then, I had hope and felt blessed that Allah swt had chosen us, He swt had chosen me.

“Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full, without reckoning”.                                       The Holy Quran 39:10

InshaAllah.

I went on to have my youngest son, within a year of our third loss, Alhamdulillah Allah swt is the Most Merciful. People see us as a family of five but my in my heart it will always be eight.

The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:

“When a person’s child dies, Allah the Most High asks His angels, ‘Have you taken out the life of the child of My slave?’  They reply in the affirmative. He then asks, ‘Have you taken the fruit of his heart?’ They reply in the affirmative. Thereupon he asks, ‘What has My slave said?’ They say: ‘He has praised You and said: Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un (We belong to Allah and to Him we shall be returned).’ Allah says: ‘Build a house for My slave in Jannah and name it Bait-ul-Hamd (the House of Praise)’”.                   At-Tirmidhi, Number 1736

With tears in my eyes and a smile on my lips, I remind myself about how one day inshaAllah, my husband and I will be reunited with our three children at the gates of Paradise where they will refuse to enter without us and where we -all eight of us will reside forever in our Bait-ul-Hamd. In the meantime, they are playing in the Gardens of Paradise with our beloved Prophet Ibrahim A.S watching over them.

 

Dearest reader                                                                                                                                             May every hardship you go through become a means of attaining closeness to Allah swt , may every loss you have suffered be a means of gaining His swt’s pleasure, may you be reunited with your loved ones in the akhirah in Jannatul Firdous. May Allah swt bless you with the best in deen, dunya and akhirah. Aameen.

For services or more information  about the Muslim Bereavement Support Service visit http://www.mbss.org.uk, or call 0203 468 7333 or email: info@mbss.org.uk