baby loss

Musings of a Mother | To My First Loss

~ modernmuslimahmusings ~ Leave a comment

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيم

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful

I pray that this letter reaches the hearts of all those mothers (and fathers) who have hoped, loved and lost. InshaAllah I pray that in some small way it somehow comforts you and that it helps to start much needed conversations.

Please take a moment to read, reflect and remind ourselves that where there is Allah swt there is always hope.

To my first loss… my beloved baby

I am writing you an apology because that’s what us mothers do, we feel responsible, we feel guilty and we apologise especially when it comes to our children. Even when we know it was not our fault, we feel like our body let us down and now here I am years later still apologising.

I know its normal because that’s what grief is… it fades away and suddenly appears when you least expect it.

I am so sorry that I did not understand what was happening and that I was confused and angry. I know that you were not meant to be with us in this temporary life and that your stay was brief but so very sweet.

In the short time you were with me, I had already dreamt up a whole life and envisioned how things would be. I had imagined how you would play with your big sister and how you would grow up together so close in age.

But that was not meant to be. You returned to Allah swt and I was left with an empty void.

I was so confused and angry. I am so sorry that no reason was given for losing you. I know it was Allah swt’s will but anything would have been better than being told “its just one of those things”.

You were not just one of those things…not to me and not to your abbu. You were our baby.

Your father, your abbu. MashaAllah he was so strong when we lost you… well he seemed strong. All throughout he was so patient and calm. I was too numb to really see what he was going through. I am so sorry I didn’t see his pain.

It started with a slight backache, slowly creeping and developing into a messy devastation too raw to write in to words. I was shocked.

Your abbu was so patient, so caring. He took care of me and your sister for the days that followed. So many days I don’t even know how many. Days that just blurred into each other one after another…I lost count.

I am so sorry that I was in shock because I really do not remember much except that somehow I managed to get through it all…now I realise it was only because of the strength that Allah swt gave otherwise how can any human being survive a loss like that.

I am so sorry that I was so exhausted and overwhelmed with pain that I never really thought about how your abbu was feeling or what he must have been going through.

The few people who knew about you said things like “at least you have your daughter” and “it was Allah’s will, don’t cry”.

How could they say that? Of course I had your big sister and I was so so grateful for that but your sister wasn’t you…I knew it was Allah swt’s will but that did not mean I couldn’t cry or mourn your loss or grieve the life I had imagined for you.

Do not worry dear baby, I understand they were only trying to be helpful and deep down they didn’t really know what else to say. I just wish that someone had told me it was okay to cry and let my heart grieve freely for you. I needed to know that I was still a good Muslim even though I wanted to grieve the loss of my baby. I needed to know that Allah swt wouldn’t be angry with me for weeping and longing for you so much. But no one told me and I struggled.

The void you left in me was so deep that all I could feel was empty. I don’t think I ever stopped feeling that way…even now though it has been so many years I still feel it there. That void belongs to you, it is your haq, your right my sweet baby. Now that time has passed it is unnoticeable but some days when I least expect it…it opens up gaping at me – perhaps to serve as a reminder of your brief existence in this world. Perhaps to remind me of Allah swts power and His swt plan for me.

Do not worry beloved baby, I fully accept Allah swt’s will and decree without question, I am not complaining.

I am just relieved to know now that it is okay to miss you and that grief is normal. It is a part of who we are as human beings and how we are created. We were designed by Allah swt to feel loss and emotion and grieve. Maybe that’s why even after so many years I am writing this.

I find peace in knowing that we will meet again one day inshaAllah and that day will be forever. You will be in our arms and we will never ever have to let you go.

Love you always, Mummy x

For information please visit the Muslim Bereavement Support Service: http://www.mbss.org.uk

For support for bereaved women please contact: info@mbss.org.uk

Our keys to Jannah…inshaAllah

~ modernmuslimahmusings ~ 2 Comments

‎بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيم

Yet again another anniversary. An anniversary that no one will celebrate, perhaps not even remember, not even know of. 

There are three every year.

Three days of the year when I would quietly mourn just for while.

In the past I have shared ahadith, quotes and poetry written by others to express these feelings but today I write my own. 


Our Three Keys.

As the days of the times each of you left would draw near, I used to feel dread and shed many many heartbroken tears.

At times I hadnt even realised that its THAT day. Until I realised.

Memories emerging always seemed to creep in fast. Blurring my mind and heart with visions of that painful past. 

As that day would draw near, every blur in my mind and smear in my heart would become crystal clear.

Always affecting me with pains deep into the pit of my stomach and cramps crawling down into my back. Empty mind and hollow heart.

Every time. One. Two. Three. 

Three times. Every year. 

But I learnt. 

I learnt about the beauty of our faith. 

Where a painful loss is a beautiful gain. 

Where for even a prick of a thorn sins are forgiven. Losing each of you was so much more than that, and for that I know so much more we will be given.

The deeper the loss the more worthy the gain. The prize much more vast than this worthless worlds pain.

A reward our eyes cannot see, a reward indescribable by our limited speech. 

A bounty too big for our small minds, a honour too great for our sin filled hearts. And yet it is there. 
Awaiting us.

Three promises from the One who created everything. 

Even though we are His disobedient slaves so sinful, He is the Knower of All, He is the All Merciful.

Even though you all left us each time without a single cry,  a single smile or word. 

On that Day your very first words will be for us! And the First to hear you will be the One who hears everything!

Your very first actions will be screening us against the Fire. Our three delicate shields strong against the raging flames. Our protection will be your only desire!
Your very first steps you will take when you are told, “Enter your parents into Paradise” and it will be the best you all will ever do for us. Not a single thing in this world equates to this and not the world and everything it contains. Nothing. 

And now when those days descend upon me, I silently shed a tear or three. 

These tears are a reminder of the rewards that await us like the rainbow after a storm, and now instead of emptiness my heart is filled with joy.

No more blurred mind. No more smeared heart. One day, a new life, our forever fresh start. 

Just waiting to be with you three. Him and they and us is all that matters to me. InshaAllah.

Author: http://www.modernmuslimahmusings.com

References:

The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah upon him, said, “Indeed the miscarried fetus will confront his Lord if He enters his parents into the Fire. So it will be said to him, “O fetus which confronts his Lord! Enter your parents into Paradise.” So he will drag them by his [umbilical] cord until he enters them into Paradise.” [Ibn Majah]

The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah upon him, said, “By the One in Whose hands is my soul, the miscarried fetus will drag his mother to paradise by his [umbilical] cord if she was patient [with the miscarriage], hoping to be rewarded.” [Ahmad]
Al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: The death of one of one’s children is a screen against the Fire, and the same applies to miscarriage, and Allaah knows best. Al-Majmoo’, 5/287; see also Haashiyat Ibn ‘Aabideen, 2/228 

It is narrated on the authority of ‘Aa’ishah, the Mother of Believers may Allaah be pleased with her that she said: The Messenger of Allaah , said: “No calamity befalls a Muslim but that Allaah Expiates some of his sins because of it, even if it is a prick he receives from a thorn.” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

It is further narrated on the authority of Abu Sa‘eed Al-Khudri and Abu Hurayrah may Allaah be pleased with them that the Prophet , said: “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah Expiates some of his sins because of that.” [Al-Bukhari]